Previewing WrestleMania 32

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Hey, folks! In case you missed it, Wrasslin’ Wednesday has a new home this week. Check it out over at Waiting For Next Year.


Throwing up a Roadblock: Wrasslin Thursday 3/3/2016

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Derek: We’re coming to you live (three days later) from Nashville! We were in the fast lane to WrestleMania, but now WWE has thrown up a surprise Roadblock. That’s what they’re calling this likely inconsequential WWE Network-only event taking place on March 12. I remain excited for the Spike Strip, Oil Slick, and Banana Peel PPVs.

At the moment, the event only has three matches on the card: Brock Lesnar vs. Bray Wyatt, Triple H vs. Dean Ambrose, and an NXT tag match that I’m not too psyched for since I haven’t been following NXT closely. Enzo and Big Cass are involved, so at the very least the entrances will be fun. Other than that, it’ll have to be a great match to get my attention.

Will: I don’t know how long this show was planned or when it was first announced or whatever, but the name sure seems silly. Isn’t the value of Fastlane necessarily lessened when it’s followed by a Roadblock? Has there always been this much traffic on the Road to WrestleMania? If it were in L.A. this year I would understand, but I can’t imagine that Arlington deals with that much congestion. I suppose I’m getting beyond the point.

Derek: Brock Lesnar is facing Bray Wyatt in the match we thought we were getting at WrestleMania. I’m having trouble envisioning anything other than a Brock victory. He’s higher up on the ‘Mania card, so he’s the one who’s going to end up looking good. But at least Bray gets to do … whatever it is he’s going to do for the next month.

Will: Bray has been so brutally neutered (breutered?) at this point that a competitive one-on-one match is out of the question. I only see a couple possibilities. One is Brock destroying Bray like he did Kofi at the Beast in the East Network special. Maybe Bray gets a little bit of offense going first, but then Brock hits a buttload of suplexes and finishes the whole thing in 10 minutes.

The other scenario is some sort of schmozz wherein the whole Wyatt Family gangs up on Brock like they did at the Royal Rumble. The problem is that they already did that. At the Royal Rumble. And it went exactly nowhere. Assuming Lesnar vs. Ambrose is still on for Mania, there’s no sense in revisiting Brock vs. Bray. Unless, that is, Ambrose has a legit shot at winning the title at Roadblock and/or getting into the main event at Mania. Hmmm…

Derek: Like Brock, Triple H is higher on the card so he’s getting the glory. Dean is, unfortunately, more than familiar with taking the pin in a big match. This may be WWE’s effort to try and remind us Trips is supposed to be a heel, but that won’t matter when Roman gets back in the ring. But hey, kudos to Vince for giving us the WrestleMania main event we really wanted a month early. What a guy.

Will: The fear is, well, what you said: That Ambrose is taking Roman Reigns’ place to gin up some heat for Trips and maybe get Roman a nice comeback pop whenever he returns. Reigns apparently underwent a real surgery, hence his not being on Raw this week. Ambrose stepped up to the plate for a tête-à-tête with Triple H, and did damn well doing so. Dean is more natural with Hunter than Roman is. Their conversations are actually conversational instead of robotic. It makes sense that Ambrose would get under Triple H’s skin, especially when the latter is playing up the whole “BOW TO ME FOR I AM THE AUTHORITY” thing.

I hold out a smidgen of hope, if only because the pressure is on to make WrestleMania into a major show. I think we’ll see a big surprise or two before the end of March. This may not be the storyline for one — it really does feel like Roman is going to be in that title match — but I get the sense we’re in for something. The Road to WrestleMania can’t be completely smooth, can it?

Derek: As for Raw, there wasn’t much to report this week. Shane’s return had the masses up in arms last week, but he was nowhere to be found this week. Same with Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar. The night was mostly carried by Ambrose deciding to challenge Triple H, Stephanie McMahon cutting a very Stephanie McMahon promo, and the Undertaker walking in and out of the ring. His contribution went as follows:

undertaker vince

He also took a minute to tell Vince to prepare to take the blame for whatever happens to Shane. He can say whatever he wants, but all I can think is CORPORATE MINISTRY REUNION.

Will: The Undertaker’s brief appearance received mixed reviews since it was so damn brief, and rightly so. That said, I didn’t hate it. He showed up, took issue with Vince referring to him as his “weapon,” made it sound like he was going to break Shane into a hundred pieces, said the blood would be on Vince’s hands, and bailed.

Okay, now that I type that out, it was pretty lame. I was duped into thinking it was better than it was because it was the Undertaker, and because his entrance alone makes for appointment viewing. Not much happened. We still don’t know what Shane has on Vince. We received no clarification as to why Taker would agree to this match — does he just fall in line with the boss’ orders like Zack Ryder would? We’ve gotten no Shane-Taker interaction. I understand that they’re stringing this thing along slowly, but come on guys. A little somethin’.

Derek: Finally, Sasha Banks faced Becky Lynch for the right to face Charlotte at WrestleMania. The potential triple threat match stayed alive, as as Becky and Sasha somehow managed to pin each other.

double pin

And I will say that, despite the cop-out finish, I really enjoyed the match. I’ve gotta say, there’s a huge drop-off on the ‘Mania card after Dean-Brock, Shane-Taker, and the Divas match. This has not been a good year for fantasy booking.

Remember last year? “Dallas is going to be the biggest ‘Mania ever! Rock vs. Triple H! Shield triple threat match! Stone Cold vs. Brock! Undertaker vs. Sting! NXT Divas! Other shenanigans with John Cena, Randy Orton, Finn Balor, Sami Zayn, Kevin Owens, and A.J. Styles!” How foolish we were. We’re getting NXT Divas and that’s it. I loved the Shane return and I’m looking forward to Dean-Brock, but I expected so much more. This might not be the worst ‘Mania of all time, but it’s shaping up to be the most disappointing.

Will: I retain some hope that business will pick up. If there’s one thing in this world powerful enough to force WWE to make some exciting decisions, it’s Vince McMahon’s ego. Selling out Jerryworld has been his mission ever since the place was built. Let’s see if he can put together a show worthy of doing so.


The Monocleys: Wrasslin’ Wednesday 12/30/15

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We’re coming to you live (two days later) from Brooklyn! Well, sort of. It’s the last Wednesday of 2015, which means it’s time for the Monocleys! It’s the most Gentlemanly wrestling awards column on the internet. Without further ado …

Gentleman of the Year (WWE SUPERSTAR of the Year)

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Derek: As indefensible as it may have been, I considered putting Paul Heyman here for a few minutes. But the clear winner is Seth Rollins. From his incredible match with John Cena and Brock Lesnar at Royal Rumble, to his cash-in at WrestleMania, to his matches with Dean Ambrose at Elimination Chamber and Money in the Bank, to his feuds with Lesnar and Sting … there was no one else who had as many big moments as he did. His ACL injury was a true wrestling tragedy. He can’t come back soon enough.

Will: I’ll make no argument against Rollins, but for the sake of variety I’ll take The New Day. They took a nonsense gimmick and turned it into gold. I have some lingering fears that they’ll start to grow stale after a while, but their collective mic work is still a draw unto itself. They are capable of being timely, topical, and funny in a way that WWE almost never is. Just this past week, Kofi threatened to fight your children. That’s the stuff Gentlemen of the Year are made of.

Cad of the Year (Worst WWE SUPERSTAR of the Year)

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Derek: I’m cheating a bit and giving it to two people: Konnor and Viktor of the Ascension. I reacted to every single second of watching them with either laughter or disgust. I’ve enjoyed their disappearance so much that I haven’t thought about them in months, and the only thing that made me think of them was reflecting back on what made me roll my eyes the most.

Will: I was under the impression that those two were good in NXT, which I cannot begin to understand; they’re just awful. I too will pick a duo: The Usos. This is being a little harsh on them, but I don’t feel they’ve brought much to the table since returning. They were involved in the terrific Triple Threat match at TLC, and they pal around with Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, all of which are functional wrestling things. I also have zero affinity for them whatsoever, and I’m not sure I would notice if they were to disappear again.

Lady of the Year (WWE DIVA of the Year)

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Derek: This is a tough pick. AJ Lee left too early in the year to be considered, and my personal dislike for Nikki Bella’s work disqualifies her. This is something of a legacy pick, but I’m going with Paige. She’s managed to be a relevant Diva ever since her debut last year, which can’t be said for any of the other Divas. Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch, and Charlotte came into the fold too late to be considered. Paige stuck around at the top when others who got title shots, like Natalya, Cameron, and Alicia Fox, either disappeared or got relegated to sidekick roles. Paige wins by default.

Will: Paige all day. It took a while for her to regain her mojo/turn heel late this year, but she’s been as good as anyone since. I’m also just not sure who else it could be. I am also not a Bella supporter; Sasha hasn’t quite gotten there yet; and I fear that Charlotte is something of a charisma vacuum (although I have enjoyed her semi-heel work of late). 

Shrew of the Year (Worst WWE DIVA of the Year)

team bad

Derek: I’m going with Naomi. I hate her music. I hate the Team BAD moniker. I hate that she’s the apparent leader of that group, even though Sasha Banks is better in every way. She doesn’t bring anything to the table in her current state. Nothing against her personally, but the only reason I’m ever happy to see her is because I might get to see Sasha do something.

Will: I gotta say, Naomi and Co. have grown on me a little. She’s hardly a draw on her own, and “Team BAD” is still just the worst, but they’ve been more fun since they’ve taken a page out of New Day’s book and taken part in some comedic bits. I also find it kinda funny that they wound up being the women’s team with the most staying power. The Bellas have been hamstrung by Nikki’s absence, while the former PCB fell apart due to infighting. 

My pick is Alicia Fox. She might be alright on her own, but all I can judge her on is being a pseudo-Bella. Lame.

Quarrel of the Year (Match of the Year)

rollins phoenix splash

Derek: My criteria for this selection is simply the match I enjoyed watching most, and that’s Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins at Royal Rumble. Rollins had put himself on the map by turning on the Shield and winning the Money in the Bank contract several months before, but this was the match that made me think “this guy really is the future.” Brock Lesnar sold an injury really well. There was the added drama of Rollins possibly cashing in. People will remember his 2015 because of what he did at WrestleMania, and rightfully so, but this was the match in which Rollins outgrew the Authority.

Will: I’m not sure if my choice is true match of the year stuff, but I’m picking Cena-Owens I. Roughly 75 percent of that is just because Cena lost, and the other 25 percent is rooted in Owens becoming a sociopath lately. He destroyed Dean Ambrose on this week’s Raw after losing to Neville, and he did so with an oddly sexualized sense of sadomasochism. My understanding is that as Kevin Steen he was billed as wrestling’s antichrist, and I’m optimistic that he’ll bring those sorts of bad intentions to WWE.

Donnybrook of the Year (Feud of the Year)

kevin owens

Derek: By WWE mandate, I’m required to give John Cena at least two awards. Therefore, Donnybrook of the Year goes to John Cena vs. Kevin Owens. I gave their match at Elimination Chamber consideration for Quarrel of the Year, and listening to these two cut promos on each other was outstanding. Of course it ended in CENAWINSLOL, but I’ll still remember it fondly.

Will: Right about now I’m realizing how much wrestling I’ve forgotten this year, so I’m also going with Cena-Owens by default. I remember the Undertaker-Bray Wyatt mehfest. I remember the Rollins-Sting mehfest. I remember 700 Orton-Sheamus matches. I remember lots of Usos and Matadores. I suppose what I’m getting at is that no one feud truly resonated with me. Not in a good way, at least — hey, speaking of which…

Banal Squabble of the Year (Worst Feud of the Year)

rusev summer rae

Derek: There was really nothing worse than Rusev vs. Dolph Ziggler. My word, that was tough to watch. I thought of giving it to Ryback vs. Bray Wyatt because it was so forgettable, but Rusev and Ziggler win because they were unforgettable for all of the wrong reasons. Remember that time Lana and Ziggler “went public”? I sure do. Thank goodness they put a stop to this.

Will: Absolutely Rusev-Ziggler. Oh my god it was so bad. Let’s move on.

Spectacle of the Year (Best PPV)

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Derek: I apologize for the chalk pick, but there was nothing better than WrestleMania in 2015. We got Daniel Bryan winning the Intercontinental Championship, a legendary RKO, Sting vs. Triple H, AJ Lee’s swan song, John Cena defending America, the Undertaker proving he can still go, and Rollins topping it all off with the biggest moment of the year. No other card came close to replicating that from top to bottom.

Plus, Michael Cole got an F5 the next day. I need to get around to sending Brock a fruit basket.

f5 cole

Will: Damnit, man, stop being so convincing. I’ll take Mania as well. That RKO alone was worth the price of admission.

Ennui of the Year (Worst PPV)

SurvivorSeries

Derek: It may not have been the absolute worst, but in terms of sheer disappointment, I’ll say Survivor Series is the most deserving. The whole Brothers of Destruction storyline was botched, as well as the subsequent Roman Reigns vs. Dean Ambrose match. We had to suffer through the absurd amount of confetti and the Sheamus cash-in. WWE had a good opportunity to do something wild in the wake of Rollins’ ACL injury, and they didn’t. I expected so much more from this show.

Will: I too am picking Survivor Series, though with the caveat that the next night’s Raw was outstanding. Considered together, the two shows made for a nice back-to-back job. On its own, however, Survivor Series stank. There were no actual Survivor Series matches of consequence, and the final match ended early enough for Sheamus’ cash-in to be a non-surprise. It was still fun. I guess. Whatever. Meh.

Wish(es) for 2016

Derek: I have several …

Finn Balor debuts after WrestleMania. And I hope he becomes Mr. Money in the Bank.

Sasha Banks turns on Team BAD. Sasha has a short feud with her former teammates, comes out on top, and finally gets to do her own thing. I will not mourn the end of Team BAD.

Asuka joins the main roster. I don’t get to watch as much NXT as I would like, but what I’ve seen from her has been incredible. She’s already one of my favorite workers in WWE, and she brings something new to the table. A Divas division including Paige, Charlotte, Sasha Banks, Becky Lynch, Asuka, and eventually Bayley, would be a lot of fun if they’re used somewhat correctly. They probably wouldn’t be, but I can dream.

Rollins makes a full recovery. Sooner rather than later.

CM Punk and AJ Lee return. Because these are my wishes and you can’t take them from me.

Will: Hmmm…

Brock Lesnar in the Royal Rumble. It would probably push everything else to the side, but screw it, I just want to see Bork wreck like 15 people in a row. I’d enjoy a Samoa Joe appearance as well, although I’m wary of anyone from NXT getting the call-up.

A worthwhile Wyatt Family feud. Pun not intended. Bray and the boys have gone from a fearsome foursome to, I don’t know, just four weird dudes who talk a lot before losing? They have one of the most original gimmicks going, and they should be able to raise some legitimate hell. They don’t need to be a new-era Ministry of Darkness or anything, but c’mon boys, fuck some people up.

[Insert Big-Name Face Here] turns heel. At this point I don’t really care who it is, but I want a big name to break bad. Cena is a pipe dream, and Reigns might be too, but how about Dean Ambrose? Isn’t he primed for one? Maybe Kevin Owens will knock some ill will into him.

Shane-o Mac returns. I miss Shane McMahon so much. Vince can’t do it forever. Come on home, Shane-o. Bring the Mean Street Posse with you. It’s time.


A Weekend in Brooklyn: Wrasslin’ Wednesday 8/26/15

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Derek: We’re coming to you live (two/three/four days later) from Brooklyn/Brooklyn/Brooklyn! Boy oh boy, where to begin? The tables?

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The ladders?

balorThe chairs?

stewart cena

Oh … oh my.

sting reveal

I’m starting with Sting, because that reveal gave me a raging mark-on. There were rumors that Sting was in Brooklyn during the three day run of shows, but I assumed if he got involved at all it would be in the Undertaker-Brock match to set up the long sought-after Undertaker-Sting match at WrestleMania 32. The Brock-Taker segments came and went with no sign of him. Then, with mere moments remaining on Raw, it was revealed that Seth Rollins’ covered statue had been Sting all along. I’m glad to see him back for more against Trips and his ilk. I didn’t like how Sting handled losing at WrestleMania. He should be out for revenge.

Sting attacked Rollins and Triple H ran away almost immediately. Then Trips revealed after the show that Sting would face Rollins for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship next month at Night of Champions. There’s a swerve I didn’t see coming.

Does Sting have any chance of winning next month? How do you see this playing out?

Will: Monday was the first time in months that I watched Raw live. I don’t have cable and thus don’t have USA, and the weekly shows are among the rare few not broadcast live on the WWE Network. The events of SummerSlam apparently got my juices flowing enough to find a (completely legal) means of watching Monday, and my god was it worth it.

I knew something was going to happen with Rollins’ statue unveiling, but Sting was definitely not what I had in mind. Interference from John Cena was the smart choice, but he was escorted out of the Barclays Center by security and, perhaps for the first time in wrestling history, the dismissed did not return to raise hell. Sting stood in place of the statue for a good long chunk of segment, enough for him to sweat through some of his face paint before attacking Rollins.

As to what they’re going to do with this, I’m glad to say that I have no idea. Rollins has two titles for the moment, and one would think that he’s going to lose at least one of them before long. I came across one theory that had Sting winning the title from Rollins, Undertaker taking it from Sting, and then having the belt on the line for the Brock-Taker rubber match. I don’t love the idea of putting the strap on a 50-plus-year-old, but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t watch every moment.

Derek: Let’s move on to some of the weird booking in the two biggest matches at SummerSlam. First, Cena lost the US title to Rollins after interference from Jon Stewart. Stewart haters the world over celebrated as they learned that Stewart hates sick children. Stewart explained his actions on Raw, saying he didn’t want Cena to tie Ric Flair’s record for most world championships. Cena said he understood, and proved it by … well, giving Stewart an Attitude Adjustment.

cena stewart aa

I suppose it would have made sense had Cena’s opponent not been Seth Rollins. Stewart got into his WWE run because of a feud with Rollins. Yet, Rollins was the biggest beneficiary of Stewart’s actions. On Monday night, Stewart admitted he “didn’t think it through.” Oh, okay then.

Then there’s the ending of the Brock-Taker match, which could charitably be referred to as “confusing” and “unsatisfying.” So let’s walk through what went down. Brock had Taker in a kimura lock, and Taker supposedly submitted, but the referee didn’t see it.

taker submission

Then, for some reason, the timekeeper decided to ring the bell. Like pretty much any sport, the timekeeper isn’t supposed to do anything unless the referee tells him to. But we had a rebel timekeeper on Sunday, and he didn’t need no high and mighty referee telling him what to do. So the referee took some time to yell at the timekeeper, during which Undertaker took some time to hit Brock in the nuts again. Perhaps it’s time for Brock to buy a cup.

undertaker low blow

The referee restarted the match, and Undertaker capitalized on Lesnar’s swollen grapefruits and put Brock in Hell’s Gate. The match was stopped once Lesnar passed out, but not before he gave Taker a quick farewell.

hells gate

It just seemed like the whole thing turned into a bit of a farce. Taker didn’t show up on Raw, so the feud is on hold for now. There will undoubtedly be a rubber match at some point, but no one can say when that will be. Until then, we’ll just have to get by with fond memories.

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Will: 
The smarky Brooklyn crowd poo-pooed the screwy endings — and rightly so in my eyes. The fact that the matches didn’t end clean was fine, especially with Brock-Taker III penciled in for WrestleMania, but the execution was wanting. The same timekeeper who sat idly as Stewart gave Cena a chair to the ribs suddenly had eagle eyes on Taker’s meek tap-out? I know we’re in kayfabe here, but how about some kaysistency? It was just a bummer, especially after the slobberknocker main event.

I was slightly more on board with the Stewart angle, though his sudden dedication to preserving Ric Flair’s legacy was out of left field, as was ending such a big match with such a part-time player. We wondered last week how much of Stewart we’d be seeing in WWE, and this suggests that he could be around at least a little longer. (And kudos to him for taking an AA.)

Derek: There’s so much more to get to, and so little time. Let’s break the rest of the action down in quick hits.

The Dudley Boyz

Derek: Hey, they’re back! I had given up hope. Bubba Ray made an appearance back at the Royal Rumble, but that was seven months ago. Seeing Bubba and D-Von pulling tables out from under the ring gave me yet another raging mark-on. I don’t know that we’ll get the classic Dudleys due to their age and the PG era, but I’d much rather watch them feud with New Day than Los Matadores.

Will: They set their sights on New Day right away, and those squads could make some beautiful music together. The Dudleys return is not a ringing endorsement of the Prime Time Players, and I wonder how much of Titus and Darren we’re going to be seeing over the next couple months. The dreamer in me would like to see multiple feuds going in the tag division, but WWE has been steadfast in maximizing its teams per match ratio. In the meantime, sign me up for a good table spot every week.

Stephen Amell

Derek: It was no surprise that his team won. But he was actually pretty good! Sure, his move set pretty much consisted of a hip toss, an enziguri, and absorbing an ass whippin’, but getting your ass convincingly kicked is a skill in this line of work. He did it well.

amell match

I’ve also got to say that, as someone who used to watch Arrow, I was a little surprised that he didn’t look nearly as jacked as he looks on the show. What is CW doing to him?!

Will: The wonders of television! I LOVE IT MAGGLE. But seriously, well done by Amell. His initial springboard entrance into the ring was strong, his dive off the top rope to the outside was legit, and he ate up a good bit of time to set up the hot tag to Neville. Come back anytime, Steve. 

That New Guy in The Wyatt Family

Derek: Who the hell was that guy?

stroman

Well, I’m glad I asked! His name is either Braun Strowman or Braun Stowman, depending on what website you read, and he’s only been in dark matches so far. He’s also a former strongman competitor and is from the great state of North Carolina. Do you think he’ll add anything interesting to the Wyatts’ feud with Ambrose and Reigns?

Will: Strowman/Stowman is well on his way to setting a record for most different name spellings. I’m in; the reunited Wyatts have been fun, but I want the family to grow into a larger, more bizarre stable that can better terrorize the WWE. Strowman didn’t show much in the ring beyond his bearhug/chokehold and some intense no-selling, but that might be all he needs to run through some jobbers and inspire an appropriate amount of fear.

And my god, is he one ugly son of a bitch.

NXT

Derek: This might be heresy but, when taking the entire show into account, I didn’t love it. The final two matches (Bayley vs. Sasha Banks for the Women’s Championship, Kevin Owens vs. Finn Balor for the NXT Championship) were awesome, but I was mostly uninterested in the other matches. Balor retained and Owens pinned Cesaro the next night at SummerSlam, so we may have seen the last of Owens on NXT.

Similarly, Banks lost her belt, so she may be moving up to the big leagues as well. Not that that’s necessarily a good thing, but we’ll cover that next.

Will: There was so much damn wrasslin’ over the course of 72 hours that I’m struggling to remember it all, and much of the NXT show falls into that category. The main events were terrific. I enjoyed bits and pieces of the leadup. This was my first real glimpse of Samoa Joe in action (against Baron Corbin). Apollo Crews’ debut was solid despite his awful name. The Vaudevillains were fun, though I absolutely cannot imagine them taking that gimmick to the main show.

Also, I will need a lengthy explanation before I can support someone who simply goes by the name “Blue Pants.”

Divas

Derek: It really doesn’t matter if you take the awesome women out of NXT, throw them on Raw and crow about the Divas Revolution every week when they get thrown in crappy storylines. Those three shows highlighted exactly why the NXT women are popular and the WWE Divas draw the ire of the crowd, like they did on Monday night.

Take the NXT match between Banks and Bayley. It was an incredible, one-on-one grudge match for the championship. And even though Banks lost, they were both elevated because it was a great match.

bayley banks

Compare that with the SummerSlam match. Nine Divas competed. None of them really had a chance to shine. The title wasn’t on the line. The most heated contest was the race for the dumbest team name. In a month’s time they couldn’t make any aspect of it interesting. It was like their only plan to sell the match was to have Stephanie McMahon say “Divas Revolution” so many times that people would believe it was true regardless of whether it was actually happening.

I feel really bad for the Divas. Especially the NXT call-ups who are there to wrestle, not be reality TV stars. But it doesn’t matter how good the talent is if the booking is bad. Sasha Banks had arguably the best match of the weekend on Saturday night. She had one of the most forgettable on Sunday night. I don’t think she forgot how to wrestle in 24 hours.

I guess the best way to sum it up: at NXT Takeover, two women got an 18-minute match with a title on the line. Meanwhile, at SummerSlam, nine Divas got a 15-minute match for no championships while Stephanie McMahon and the announcers repeatedly yelled “Divas Revolution!!!!” into a megaphone.

Will: Perhaps the worst part of the weekend was seeing the NXT and WWE matches juxtaposed against each other. Sasha and Bayley had one of the finest matches of the weekend, and not 48 hours later on Raw fans were doing the wave and generally defecating all over yet another bloated tag match. 

I get that WWE is going for with the team approach, but the best wrestling storylines come in 1-on-1 feuds. We have seen some singles matches over the past few weeks, but none have truly contributed to the narrative nor moved it forward. We need a better sense of these women as individuals in order to embrace them as a collective. Sasha Banks is a real character, and what do you know, hers was the name being chanted Monday night when she wasn’t even in the ring.

There will come a time when the alliances fracture and new rivalries emerge, and I’m hopeful that that will coincide with more worthwhile stakes for all parties involved. It isn’t hard to get excited about, say, Charlotte turning on Paige. The so-called revolution is trumpeted night after night, but that doesn’t make it mean anything. Don’t tell us that these women want to dethrone the Bellas and change the game. Show us why. Better yet, let them show us. They were doing just fine in NXT.


End of the Road to SummerSlam: Wrasslin’ Wednesday 8/19/15

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Derek: We’re coming to you live (two days later) from Minneapolis! SummerSlam is this weekend and, in the words of Triple H, Monday kicked off the road to SummerSlam! Better late than never, I suppose.

The Authority also touted this SummerSlam as the “GREATEST SUMMERSLAM EVER!!!” as tradition dictates. I wonder if there are people out there who hear this kind of stuff and are really affected. I just want one friend to sign up for the WWE Network because he heard Triple H and Stephanie McMahon say this would be the greatest SummerSlam of all time.

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

So let’s start with Raw. For the first time in weeks, Brock Lesnar and the Undertaker were in the ring together. ‘Taker even positioned himself as a heel with another low blow on Lesnar. I was a bit surprised by that. I’m in the camp that thinks this match exists to get ‘Taker a win in response to Lesnar breaking The Streak last year. A common rule of thumb is the guy who looks best on the Raw before a PPV is destined to go down, so I expected Lesnar to hand out the beatings on Monday. But hey, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN WWE.

brock taker

Will: I guess once you reach a certain age or serve a certain number of years you can just kick dudes in the balls. It’s a weird look for someone who is otherwise perhaps the most feared and respected wrassler in the biz, but given Undertaker’s age it’s at least kayfabe reasonable.

It was weird and enjoyable seeing Brock and ‘Taker so cleanly aligned as face and heel in Minneapolis. Lesnar got a proper hero’s welcome, with signs aplenty and even a LESNAR #69 Vikings jersey in the crowd. I can’t imagine Brock winning, at least not cleanly. Undertaker going out at WrestleMania 32 in Dallas has been penciled in since they first built Jerryworld, and one would think that he’d need a win to stay headline-capable. At the same time, I could see Brock winning such that these events play out all over again.

Derek: John Cena returned for the first time since Rollins rearranged his face. He even dressed in Miami Hurricanes attire for some reason!

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Cena gave some typical Cena insults as he promised to put Rollins down and join Ric Flair in the club of 16-time world champions. What he didn’t mention, though, was the fact that Jon Stewart would be hosting SummerSlam in his first post-Daily Show gig. Wrestling devotees will probably recall that time Jon Stewart kicked Seth Rollins in the balls. Could he come back for another round of ball-kicking? Stewart’s last appearance was before WrestleMania, and perhaps “Kick the WWE Champion in the balls” is on his bucket list.

We kicked around the possibility of Stewart joining WWE on a semi-regular basis back in March. Now that he’s gone from The Daily Show, could we be seeing more of him?

Will: It seems like Stewart is a real, true wrestling fan. He and Rollins had a solid little feud there, culminating with Stewart’s appearance on Raw, and he wouldn’t sign up for four hours of work unless he enjoyed it at least a little bit. Will we see more of him, though? I doubt it. Not to besmirch the good name of WWE, but it feels a little beneath Stewart to be a regular gig, no? He’s done the freaking White House Correspondents dinner and interviewed most of the relevant parties in American politics. One would think he has slightly loftier ambitions.

If not, though, I’m all for it. Wrestling is on a nice PR run lately (despite, you know, all the deaths) between Stewart’s hosting SummerSlam, ESPN covering SummerSlam, and David Shoemaker’s being interviewed on Richard Deitsch’s Sports Illustrated Media Podcast. Stewart’s a pro. Bring it on.

Derek: Let’s run through the rest of the FOUR HOUR SummerSlam card and make some expert picks! Starting with …

Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev

Derek: Ziggler came back! How nice. I thought there would be a mixed tag element to this since Summer Rae and Lana have been catfighting on an almost weekly basis. But we’ve never seen Lana in the ring, so maybe she’s just not ready.

I’m picking Rusev in this one. He got smacked around by Cena for months and then got injured, so he needs to get some mojo back.

Will: I get very, very uncomfortable any time there’s a Lana-Summer Rae segment. It’s really weird to see juxtaposed against our next match and the generally respectable work being done in the women’s division. Luckily, they’re only the managers in this one. I’ve never fancied myself much of a Dolph fan, but I was pumped to see him come back this week, and Rusev sold a hell of a tornado DDT. I don’t care who wins; I just want more of that. 

Team Bella vs. Team BAD (ugh) vs. PCB

Derek: WWE has somehow made me less excited for this match than I was a month ago. The esteemed team members met each other in a bunch of different variations in the last month, so it almost feels like this match has already happened. Add in the horrible names and brutal guest commentary from these teams and it almost seems like they’re all heels. PCB are still the fan favorites, but they haven’t done themselves any favors in my eyes.

I think the Bellas will come out on top. I only say that because I’m hoping Nikki loses the belt before she break’s AJ Lee’s record for longest reign as Divas Champion. This could be their last hurrah before Nikki drops the belt to … well, just about anyone. Paige? Charlotte? Sasha Banks? Take your pick.

Will: The buildup to this match has been worse than it has any right to be. Moments have been very good — I was glad to see Becky Lynch get a singles win, in part because I fucking love her entrance — but the overall story has been ham-fisted. The woeful team names have been more indicative of that than anything. 

I see the Bellas losing this one, with that setting the stage for whatever Nikki’s next title defense turns out to be. Look for Charlotte or Sasha to end it.

Stephen Amell and Neville vs. Stardust and King Barrett

Derek: Barrett and Stardust are referring themselves as both “The Lords of Darkness” and “The Cosmic Kings.” Okay, then!

barrett stardust

Surely Amell’s side will come out on top here. The team with a celebrity guest star is usually a safe bet.

Will: …I kinda liked Barrett with Stardust! Get him away from that king schtick and let’s see what happens. More than anything, I’m curious to see how Amell handles himself in the ring. Go Arrow go.

Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro

Derek: Much has been made of Kevin Owens’ weight over the last few weeks. There was even a “Fat, Owens, Fat” sign held up next to Owens as he entered Monday night. Did he gain weight? I hadn’t noticed. He was never exactly a skinny guy.

This is a tough one to call. Both of these guys are in line for a rumored push, and Owens has a rematch with Finn Balor for the NXT Championship the night before SummerSlam. It’s impossible to say if that will affect the outcome of the match. I would probably mention it if I were running things, but it sure didn’t seem to be a big deal when he was feuding with Cena and lost the belt in Japan.

I’m going with Cesaro. I think Vince is finally going to embrace the Cesaro Section. Though I won’t be surprised if Owens wins or it ends in shenanigans.

Will: This one could easily wind up being the match of the night. I don’t know or care who’s gonna win. Cesaro has been absolutely brilliant lately, and I trust Owens to play up to the level of competition. Even as both have pulled off some neat moves over the past couple weeks, I feel like we’re in for a rare treat or two.

(Now that you mention it, Owens’ paunch has looked a little paunchier lately.)

Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper

Derek: This could be fun. It’s just two people short of the excellent Shield vs. Wyatt Family feud. Ambrose has been the highlight of this program, as he often is. He’s one of the few guys on the roster who is legitimately funny. I hope he gets back in the title picture in the next year.

ambrose chair

This is another tough one to call, because most of these guys have gotten the short end of the stick lately. Wyatt lost to Undertaker at WrestleMania, got injured, and had a very forgettable feud with Ryback. Reigns got pinned by Rollins at ‘Mania, lost the Money in the Bank match and went on a bit of a losing streak. Ambrose and Harper weren’t even on the card at Battleground.

I’m going with Reigns and Ambrose. Wyatt beat Reigns at Battleground, so I think Reigns returns the favor.

Will: Agreed. That said, I really, actively watching Reigns work. He doesn’t look natural. Nothing looks smooth. He pulls off some nice moves, but he doesn’t look like he was born in the ring the way some guys do. I still don’t like him on the mic, I still don’t like his moves, and I understand why some folks still don’t like him. Ambrose has been carrying plenty.

I wonder if this match will propel the winning side up the ladder a bit. We’ve seen all parties involved, except perhaps Harper, play on the main event level. I’d like to see a Wyatt Family victory and re-ascension, with Bray picking up more followers along the way.

(Now is about the time that I realize this PPV is going to be entirely too long. I think all of the matches will be entertaining and everything, but my god.)

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus

Derek: How about Sheamus yelling “Respect the ‘hawk!” when the crowd told him he looked stupid? That was excellent. Sheamus might be interesting in a few weeks.

I’m picking Sheamus, also because Orton won at Battleground. They have to make Sheamus look good at some point.

Will: I’m worried about how much I’ve enjoyed Sheamus lately. He played the mohawk bit perfectly, especially when he tended to it after landing a big shot or two. I wonder if he can work this sort of magic for the beard braids too. Go get ’em, fella. 

The Prime Time Players (c) vs. The New Day vs. The Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores for the Tag Team Championship

Derek: This is pretty much Prime Time Players vs. New Day with some high-flyers involved. But you gotta have guys like Los Matadores on speed dial when you’re planning a four hour show.

I think the only reason New Day lost their tag team belts is so they could have a big SummerSlam moment. They’ll get them back Sunday.

Will: I thought the tag match on Raw was oddly short, and I think that’s a commentary on the relative randomness of this match. New Day and the PTPers have done some nice work together, yet the other two teams have been thrown into the fray. Were we ever given an explanation for that? I’m thinking too hard again.

Ryback (c) vs. The Miz vs. The Big Show for the Intercontinental Championship

Derek: When was the last time Miz won a match? When he beat Mizdow? It seems like every episode he ends up unconscious, either at the hands of good guy Ryback or once bad then good now maybe bad again Big Show.

baron bad beaver

I’m thinking Ryback steals the show here. Then maybe they can get him in a decent feud. That hasn’t happened since he was being recruited by Team Cena and Team Authority before Survivor Series last year.

Will: I like Ryback to retain, and Miz to engage in some beautiful chickenshit work. As for Ryback’s next feud, I’d love to see Xavier Woods get in there, if only to get New Day some more shine and to see Woods talk circles around an increasingly confused Ryback.

John Cena (US) vs. Seth Rollins (WWEWHC) for both the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and the United States Championship

Derek: If I were running the show, Rollins would hold on to the belt a bit longer. He’d get the U.S. Championship and get the statue he wants and continue to draw nuclear heat. Maybe he’d even hold on to the belt until WrestleMania, when the inevitable Rollins vs. Reigns vs. Ambrose match could happen. But I’m not running the show, so …

cena wins

Will: My favorite throwaway note from this week’s Raw: Cena holding up his Never Give Up towel to the camera and saying, with great conviction: “Always.” Always never give up, kids. Always. Never. Give. Up.

I should know better, but I can’t see Cena winning this. He doesn’t need it! At all! Not even a little bit! He barely needs a storyline to be relevant; he is a storyline unto himself. Rollins has only gotten better, especially as an actor (and as a reactor; watch his face during the Cena promo), and he’s earned the chance to keep the strap.

Or, and I shudder to say this, could we see a Sheamus cash in? RESPECT THE ‘HAWK.

Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker

Derek: The match probably won’t be the best of the evening, but it still might be the most exciting. No one has a read on who’s going to win. Undertaker’s heel tactics add an unexpected dynamic. Something tells me the winner won’t win clean.

As I said before, I’m going with ‘Taker. I think he’s getting his return win for WrestleMania XXX.

Will: I hope ‘Taker is healthy. I hope no one gets hurt. I hope the entrances are cool. I hope the crowd is up for it. I hope it’s well booked. I hope ‘Taker can walk the ropes. I hope Brock can give out some good suplexes. I just hope it’s a good match.

I hope Undertaker Wins, and I hope they run it back at ‘Mania 32.


Dead Man Risen: Wrasslin’ Thursday 7/23/2015

Wrasslin Wednesday Header

Derek: We’re coming to you live (three/four days later) from St. Louis/Kansas City! So much to cover this week that we had to move to —

Mah … mah gawd! Mah gawd! That’s the Undertaker’s music!

Yes, the main event between Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar ended in shenanigans, but not the kind we were expecting. Just as Brock was about to put Rollins down, the bell tolled, and Taker appeared to get revenge on Brock for ending his undefeated streak at WrestleMania XXX.

Taker’s return was shocking, to say the least. Six months ago, rumors were flying around that he was in poor health and he had wrestled his final match. He did wrestle Bray Wyatt at ‘Mania, but he wasn’t involved in the buildup at all. He showed up in Santa Clara, had a 15-minute match, and bailed. Folks were speculating that he’d have his final match at WrestleMania 32 in his home state of Texas (perhaps against Brock or Sting), but I don’t think anyone predicted he’d make an appearance at SummerSlam, or Battleground, or Monday Night Raw. It certainly wasn’t on our radar.

undertaker raw

To WWE’s credit, it’s a clever way to handle Lesnar. His story arc was starting to look suspiciously like it did at this point last year, when he was slated to face WWE Heavyweight Champion John Cena at SummerSlam. Brock gave Cena a legendary beating and wrestled sparingly until he dropped the belt at ‘Mania. It was easy to see the story repeating itself with Rollins in place of Cena. Now, Brock can be removed from the title picture, and Rollins, for better or worse, can take on a new challenger.

While I’m leaning toward “for worse” in regards to Rollins, Brock is moving full steam ahead. I think it’s safe to say we both got chills when Taker’s music hit. Is this acceptable behavior for guys in their late 20’s? Are our future children going to track this article down one day and use it as a reason to not listen to us?

Will: I already hate our prospective children if that’s the case. Fuck you, future bearer of my DNA — I’ll let professional wrestling give me chills until I’m the Undertaker’s age. 

It was incredible. I didn’t watch Battleground live, and I avoided spoilers as best I could until my Monday night viewing, and I was fortunate enough to escape news of the Dead Man’s return. I wondered, and I’m sure I wasn’t alone, how Rollins-Lesnar could be done in a way that was both kayfabe realistic and reasonably interesting. Lesnar squashing Cena was brilliant because that sort of thing is so unusual for a main event, but it’s not a well you can go back to. Taker’s return was the deus ex machina.

Some may be more cynical: a Taker-Brock showdown at SummerSlam is the sort of thing that can paralyze WWE. Instead of building up worthwhile storylines with the everyday talent, they look to a part-timer and a virtual retiree to headline a PPV. Doing so at SummerSlam isn’t as egregious as Wrestlemania, but the effect is similar.

Still, I loved it. Part of that is because of Undertaker’s enduring legacy and legendary status, which is nearly unmatched. But the bigger part is that his intervention actually made sense. By the time the lights were out, everyone in the house knew what was up. There was an actual reason for Undertaker to seek vengeance against Brock, and there’s no better way to do so than pre-empting his victory in a title bout.

Derek: Let’s move on to something a little more cringeworthy: the notion that Rollins’ next challenger will be John Cena.

I guess it was only a matter of time. It’s been almost a full year since Cena was champion. Not only that, but two straight WrestleManias have passed without Cena in the main event. Logic dictates that Cena would put Kevin Owens over so he could blossom into a main eventer himself. Unfortunately, CENAWINSLOL dictates that CENA WINS (LOL), and immediately inserts himself back into the WWE WHC picture. The treatment they gave Cena Monday night just about ruined the Undertaker’s return for me. It was such a bummer in so many ways.

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

First, Cena already has a championship belt, but they’re putting him into the hunt for another. One simply isn’t enough for Cena. Why have Cena drop the US Championship before challenging Rollins? Screw that. He must have all the belts.

Second, if Monday night is any indication, Owens comes out of this a huge loser. Not only did he lose the NXT Championship to Finn Balor, but he lost two of his three matches with Cena and he might be entering into a feud with … gulp … Sheamus. I’d say they’re bringing his momentum to a screeching halt, but that sounds a little generous. More like they stopped his momentum, kidnapped it, beat it with a crowbar, abandoned it in a warehouse, and blew the warehouse up. This is the kind of momentum stoppage that needs a Lazarus Pit to be resurrected.

Let’s just hope Owens’ little spat with Sheamus was a one-and-done type of thing. I thought for sure Owens and Cena would have one more match at SummerSlam. Maybe a No DQ or Falls Count Anywhere match to keep it fresh, as I thought their Battleground match looked a little too familiar at times. Then Owens could move on as US Champion and Cena could move on to Cena things, which could possibly include challenging Rollins. Instead, Cena goes over (as if he needed it) and Owens gets buried (and he definitely didn’t need it.) Am I missing something? Does Owens and Cena going their separate ways have more potential than I’m giving it credit for?

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Will: I want very much to be optimistic about this. I actually enjoyed Cena challenging Rollins insofar as it fit their respective characters — it’s nice when plots fit the players. But as you are, I’m mildly horrified by the notion of those two engaging in a prolonged feud. It’s tricky; Cena has been among the most dependably entertaining names in wrasslin’ over the past year. His US Open Challenge has been legitimately inventive and has provided a stage for plenty of youngsters (Neville, Zayn, Owens) to get a moment in the spotlight. And yet, Cena’s been putting guys over by putting himself over, which just feels weird. Getting another crack at a title he absolutely does not need would make it even weirder.

Owens is the one I’m more worried about, and 1000 percent of that is because of his potential connection to Sheamus. I’ve decided that I just plain don’t care about anything Sheamus does. I don’t even dislike him (well, that much); I just want him off the screen entirely. I don’t find him interesting in the ring, on the mic, or in general. He is a giant pale sign that it’s time to fast forward.

I hate to be a hater; sorry, fella. Owens has been superb since coming on the scene, and there are precious few people I wouldn’t want to see him in a program with. Sheamus happens to be one of them. Fingers crossed.

Derek: Roman Reigns continued his uncharacteristic losing streak at Battleground after a returning Luke Harper interfered, allowing Bray Wyatt to pick up the win. Ambrose joined back up with Reigns on Monday night, though its unclear what the plan is going forward. They could be having a tag team match, or they could simply be watching each other’s backs. Too bad they may not have their own singles matches, but there’s not a whole lot more for either of them to do at this point.

Will: I worry that both Reigns and Ambrose are losing their momentum. Ambrose’s is more plot-driven; he was left out of Battleground and has been generally overlooked over the past couple weeks. It wouldn’t take too much to spruce him up; give him another move or two, keep the clothesline usage to a minimum, pick a certain type of crazy to focus on, and tell the announce team to take it easy with “THE LUNATIC FRINGE” (one of those is pure pipe dream).

It’s Roman I’m more worried about. I thought for a little while that he had gotten back to square one with the fans after being at square minus-2 billion after winning the Royal Rumble, but it seems like plenty of folks still don’t like him, and he doesn’t quite know how to handle it. And actually, I think he’s doing alright, it’s just that people hate the goddamn Superman punch — I don’t blame them.

As for the Wyatt Family Reunion: hell yeah. Harper can do more in the ring than Bray can, and their getting back together works without requiring any explanation. With Erick Rowan out for a while with an injury, why not get the fam back together? Wyatt is best as a talker, and Harper as a brute. It just works.

These four combined bring plenty to the table, and even if things are a little clumsy in the run-up, good things oughta happen when they collide.

Derek: The Divas did indeed end up with a match at Battleground in the form of a triple threat match between Charlotte, Brie Bella, and Sasha Banks. It was a solid match, despite losing a couple of points because I had to listen to Naomi’s horrendous entrance music. I’ll keep saying it until a change is made: Naomi has the worst entrance music in WWE, and it isn’t close. And now she wants her little trio to be called “Team B.A.D.” (Beautiful and Dangerous)? Yeesh. Sasha Banks must have drawn the short stick.

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Anyway, Charlotte made Brie Bella submit again on Monday, but Banks got vengeance later in the night when she made Paige submit. That’s right, two Divas matches in one night! And that doesn’t even include the unfortunate continuation of the Lana-Summer Rae catfight. SummerSlam could be the most Diva-heavy show in quite some time.

Will: Team B.A.D.” is so bad. Oh my god. It’s awful. Aside from her glowing boots, Naomi’s packaging leaves a lot to be desired. I’m not sure she’s quite up to being the leader of a mini-faction, and I could certainly see Sasha stepping into that role. She is the Boss, after all.

This has all been great! The ladies are really showing out and making the most of their opportunities. Charlotte looks to be the real deal (I adore her entrance music), and all of the new blood came just as things were getting a bit stale. Again, I’m somewhat cautious in my hopes that WWE can keep this going long term, but in the meantime it’s all good.

One hair in the soup: the entire revolution storyline has been a bit contrived. What exactly have the Bellas been doing to everyone that’s so terrible? Yes, Nikki’s been the champion for a while, but the talk of the Bellas’ mighty reign of terror doesn’t quite jibe with what I’ve seen on screen. Yes, there have been some twin hijinks, but it’s made to sound as though Brie and Nikki have been locking the other women in a closet and tossing in smoke grenades.

Still, things are certainly trending up in Divaland.

Derek: Finally, let’s touch on the Intercontinental Championship picture. Ryback’s schedule title defense against Miz and Big Show was canceled due to his hospitalization with a staph infection. Looks like the IC belt could be cursed. Daniel Bryan had to vacate it, and now Ryback might as well. How do you think they’ll handle it? Do you think they’ll take it away, or bank on The Big Guy returning before SummerSlam? Should they just go ahead and give the belt to Cena?

Will: THEY CALL HIM BIG MATCH JOHN, MAGGLE!

It sucks for Ryback, especially after Bryan suffered a similar fate. I don’t love The Big Guy in the ring, but he really loves the business and I think he took pride in being Bryan’s successor.

As for who oughta take the belt over…am I crazy to want to give it to the Miz? His mic work is asshole artistry. He gins up real heat like few can. I hate the idea of seeing he and Show continue their song and dance for another month, but I have to think there’s another way.

What if Miz kept ripping on Ryback — and Bryan — for getting hurt, and someone like Neville stepped up to defend their honor? Maybe a Fatal Four Way at SummerSlam to decide the title. Show could hang around for the sake of storyline consistency (though I wouldn’t be upset if he found another , while two more promising challengers inject themselves into the fray. Is it too naive to hope for a Mizdow resurrection?

After seeing the Undertaker return, a resurrection feels just about right.


Independent Women: Wrasslin’ Wednesday 7/15/15

Wrasslin Wednesday Header

Derek: We’re coming to you live (two days later) from Atlanta! The plot advanced! The plot advanced! GOOD GOSHAMIGHTY, THE PLOT ADVANCED.

divas

That’s right, I’m talking about the Divas! At long last, stuff happened. It wasn’t the Bellas featuring Alicia Fox going Mean Girls against a friendless Paige. Finally, Charlotte (Ric Flair’s daughter) got promoted. That was no surprise, because it should have happened months ago. Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks were unexpected, though. Charlotte and Becky Lynch joined up with Paige, while Sasha Banks joined Naomi and Tamina. Three factions! And at least one of them is interesting. Maybe more!

This will presumably conclude with a big SummerSlam match, which will surely be a step up from last year’s Brie Bella-Stephanie McMahon showdown. It has the potential to be several steps up, but it also won’t surprise me if Vince decides it should be a five minute farce in between R-Truth-Barrett and Sandow-Axel.

I’m curious to see if the new Divas are here to stay. Kevin Owens was a mainstay on Raw even as he was NXT Champion, so Sasha Banks could be as well. Surely Charlotte won’t go back any time soon. Becky Lynch is the wild card. Like a highly touted MLB prospect, she may just force WWE to keep her around.

Perhaps the most noteworthy thing of all is we’re leading with the Divas. Yes, Sports Monocle isn’t exactly the first website folks visit for wrasslin’ talk, but we are wrestling fans and we (well, at least I) think it’s the top story of the week. I can’t be alone in that belief. Maybe the Divas will get a chance after all?

Will: I could barely believe it even as it was happening. Stephanie hadn’t appeared except to be a cruel authority/Authority) figure in a while, yet there she was shepherding in a whole new era of women’s — pardon me, Divas — wrestling. It was a very cool moment for a bunch of reasons. The distinct looks of each stable-to-be were cool. All three Bellas being locked in submission holds was cool, as was Charlotte’s modified figure four. The newcomers getting legitimate pops was cool. Seeing the ex-NXT girls celebrate their newfound WWE-ness together was cool. It was all very cool, and very exciting, and a very welcome change from the norm.

The challenge, of course, will be figuring out how to actually use all of these people and give them stories that make their time worthwhile. Monday night was promising, but it’s relatively easy to make the beginning of a storyline exciting. The hard part is getting that seed to grow, and then harvesting at the right time. I don’t want to throw too much water on the fire — this may be the best we’ve seen of WWE women since Paige’s debut. I’m just curious to see what happens next.

Derek: Let’s move on to Sunday night’s main event between Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar. Monday night gave us the obligatory contract signing that ended in violence. Rollins attached an axe handle under the table, and Brock did not appreciate that. One might consider that what Paul Heyman calls “breaking the 11th Commandment.”

brock kane

J&J Security were strangely absent, leaving only Kane as Rollins’ bodyguard. You’re not going to believe this, but Rollins turned on him yet again! What a twist.

I’ve been watching old Attitude-era Raws when I go to sleep, and my #FreeKane beliefs have never been stronger. He went toe-to-toe with the Undertaker! At times, the Undertaker was scared of him! HE DESECRATED THE GRAVESTONES OF HIS OWN PARENTS!

Okay, maybe that last one doesn’t need to make a comeback, but the rest of it does. The Kane of 1998 would not be tolerating Seth’s behavior. And even if the Kane of today is willing to tolerate it to some degree, this stuff with Rollins lost its luster months ago. Let it go.

Will: One would hope that when Kane eventually returns from his latest vacation — maybe he’ll go to Hawaii again! — that he’ll set his sights on Rollins and finally right some of the many wrongs that the champ has brought against him. He’s long been the unsung workhorse of Rollins’ ascendance, and I’m thirsty for some revenge.

In the short term, however, I kinda like what they did with Kane and J&J. Seth and his cronies were able to give Brock one good beatdown, and nearly a second, but Brock has worn away Rollins’ defenses and left him a king with no castle. Their match is now (or seems to be) a proper 1-on-1 affair, which spells doom for the champion on paper. If we’re keeping kayfabe, it will be as one-sided as the Lesnar-Cena match that birthed Suplex City, but I have a hunch that things will be a little more interesting this time.

A couple other asides:
– I’m out on the whole 11th Commandment thing. It’s just corny.
– Rollins declared that he would burn Suplex City to the ground, but I think it’s been beaten into the ground enough already. I get why it’s happened, and it could be a lot worse. It’s just a bummer to see an awesome ad lib corrupted by the man, you know?
– Rollins is such an asshole. I love it.

Derek: What say we mix the rest of our Raw recap in with picks and thoughts for Battleground?!

King Barrett vs. R-Truth (Pre-Show)

Derek: I’m still not totally sure where this feud came from. Truth pretends to be a king sometimes, and Barrett doesn’t like it? I think I speak for everyone when I say Bad News Barrett should make a comeback.

Will: This has been a very odd running subplot, even if it’s just meant to be comedic filler. It’s so absurd that I can’t even take issue with it — it isn’t like Truth’s plunger-wielding kingdom is any more ridiculous than Barrett’s, itself born out of a not-that-important pseudo-PPV. Bad News is definitely Barrett’s strongest angle, and I hope he gets back to the pulpit at some point. In the meantime, at least the crowd seems to like Truth, and I think that’s enough for him to get the win. Also, there’s a strong chance that I don’t watch this match.

The Prime Time Players vs. The New Day (Tag Team Championship)

Derek: I have no idea how this is going to turn out. I could see either team winning, and I could see it being the best match of the night or the worst. I’ll say the Prime Time Players successfully defend with New Day taking back the gold at SummerSlam.

Will: I’m not sure either. The PTPers have done well with their push to the top, with Titus O’Neil especially looking like someone who could stand on his own. I enjoyed their match (with Mark Henry) against New Day Monday night, and their little leaning dance thing is kinda fun. I still don’t quite have a sense of who Titus or Darren Young are, but New Day has enough personality for that to not really matter.

Something from this match that applied to a few others as well: I’m really enjoying the ongoing trend of taunt- and move-stealing. New Day mimicked O’Neil’s barking thing, and I just can’t not love it, especially for a heel. It’s an age-old device, but Kevin Owens revitalized it when he started biting Cena’s schtick.

Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt

Derek: I’m cautiously optimistic. This feud has gotten a bit less screen time than I thought it would get, but it’s fairly interesting. They don’t like each other and they’re going to settle their differences through the magic of violence. I can get behind that.

roman sneak attack

While we’re here, there are two things I can’t get behind. The first is no Dean Ambrose. He hasn’t managed to insert himself into any of the storylines and looks to be getting the night off. I still wish he had entered into a mutually beneficial partnership with Brock Lesnar.

The second is (facepalm) no Divas match. Come on, guys! I just talked about what a good job you were doing, and now there’s no Divas match on the card?! It’s entirely possible that Stephanie will announce a “surprise” Divas match on Sunday (or maybe on Smackdown) but as it stands now, the Divas won’t be making an appearance. As the mass bewildered of Twitter would say, SMH.

Will: I don’t get the Ambrose non-usage at all. Even if he isn’t going to be in a match, he should somehow be involved, right? He and Reigns are still friends as far as we know, yet during the Reigns-Wyatt brawl — which was meant to be an Ambrose-Wyatt match — Dean just chilled out while his boy went to work. I suppose one could argue that he wanted to let Reigns handle his own business, but that’s awfully reasoned logic for an alleged lunatic.

The lack of a women’s (I’m just gonna call it women’s now) match sucks too, and it makes me wonder how long the whole NXT takeover plan has been in the works.

As for the actual Reigns-Wyatt match, who knows? As with many matches on the card, I’m not sure which way they’ll take it. Will it be a clean finish? Will a third party be involved? Will we be seeing a rematch or re-imagining at SummerSlam? As much as I enjoy Bray’s promos and vignettes, he’s a tough guy to peg with how little ring work he’s been doing recently.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus

Derek: I keep forgetting Sheamus is Mr. Money in the Bank. I’m struggling to identify the most interesting thing he’s done in the last month. And he’s probably going to be champion before 2015 is over. I’ll enjoy watching that play out. Those won’t be fun Wrasslin’ Wednesdays.

I’m predicting an Orton victory because I remember he exists from time to time.

Will: I actively enjoy not caring about Sheamus. I don’t even dislike him. I just don’t care. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think about him. He’s a big pasty idiot with dumb hair and a worse goatee — is that what I’m supposed to think? I get that these guys have some history, and they’re not bad workers. They just don’t do much for me. 

John Cena vs. Kevin Owens (US Championship)

Derek: The weeks go on, and no one is tired of this feud. God bless these two.

Last week, we wondered how Cesaro would fit in to the picture, and WWE responded by tossing a recovered Rusev in as well. While Rusev appeared in this feud, Dolph Ziggler and Lana didn’t appear at all. Perhaps WWE realized everyone in that storyline is being run into the ground and they want to call a mulligan. That’s probably the wisest course of action.

triple suplex

As for the match, I think Cena wins again, but only because I think Owens is going over at SummerSlam. Cena hasn’t been on the winning side at SummerSlam since 2010, and that was a 7-on-7 match. The last time he won a singles match at SummerSlam was against Randy Orton in 2007. While CENAWINSLOL typically triumphs at WrestleMania (and most other times), he has mostly given the spotlight to others at SummerSlam. Since Owens is probably full-time WWE now, a SummerSlam win over Cena and US Championship run would do him some good.

Will: I would absolutely watch a three-hour show that was variations of matches with these four guys. Cesaro pulled out so many incredible moves that I lost count. Rusev survived the creative abortion that was the Ziggler feud, and looks like he could stay relevant post-Lana. Owens continues to excel acting as a sort of Joker to Cena’s Batman.

How about this: For all the lamenting we (and others) do about the pervasiveness of CENAWINSLOL, he is the guy who’s been at the center of all of this. All three of the other guys deserve credit for putting in good work in a big spot, but I think it says something that some of the best action of the summer has been the most Cena-centric. Maybe that’s just due to his longevity and thus our familiarity with him, but whatever the reason, here’s a tip of the cap to John Cena for making me care about all parties involved.

Ryback vs. Big Show vs. Miz (Intercontinental Championship)

Derek: Errrrrr. Ryback wins? Maybe he gets something more interesting to do before next month?

Will: This could be a fun little popcorn match. I’m looking forward to Miz’s inevitable begging not to get his ass kicked.

Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)

Derek: I still can’t believe this match is happening at Battleground. A couple of weeks ago I predicted this match would end in shenanigans, and I’m sticking by that. The two have a great match, but something weird happens and they meet again next month for their “real” match.

Will: You’ve seen enough to know a thing or two about how this sort of match tends to go. It’s a legitimately huge one, and probably bigger than Battleground deserves. It’s a bit like the Reigns-Wyatt match in that I feel like something screwy will happen, but I have no idea what. Something screwy almost has to happen in any Lesnar match because he’s such a monster. Rollins’ smarminess only increases the odds. I can’t wait.


A Hungry Beast and a Happy Demon: Wrasslin’ Thursday 7/9/15

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Derek: We’re coming to you live (three days later) from Chicago! We had to partake on a Thursday again. Sue us.

We had a bonus show in Japan this week, but before we go there, let’s talk Monday night.

Will: The only matches I want to talk about from Raw are Cesaro vs. Cena and Lesnar vs. Cadillac. Don’t get me wrong, there were some other decent bits. The New Day-Lucha Dragons match was fun, though I think the real winner was Titus O’Neil’s commentary. We got some more Bray Wyatt mischief, this time in the form of an impostor who took a Superman punch from Roman Reigns. There’s something compelling about the Miz’s chickenshit antics in the Intercontinental Title triple-feud. Rusev put Dolph Ziggler on a stretcher, which I was completely fine with.

And, in the upset of the night, I didn’t hear one CM Punk chant in Chicago! Imagine that! (Or did I just miss one?)

It was a decent show all in all, but the two aforementioned clashes raised it up a good few notches by themselves. The Cesaro-Cena match wasn’t exactly an exercise in technical brilliance — I thought the two had some sloppy spots, at least by their standards — but they put on a great goddamn match. It grew larger and heavier the longer they went on, and it felt like the two were selling and reacting on exactly the same level. Each man would register a would-be knockout blow, only for the other to one-up it.

cena cesaro

Cena ultimately won after hitting an AA off the second rope. It wasn’t CENAWINSLOL (although it’s always a little bit of that). It was a worthy finish to an outstanding match. For a moment I wondered if they might actually have Cesaro win it so that both Cena and Kevin Owens lost their belts, but that would have been shortsighted. Owens ran in after the match, but Cena was able to ward him off. Cena was the clear victor of the night, but all parties involved got something out of it.

They’ve got a good thing going here, even if it’s going to be tricky to keep things interesting for all three involved. I imagine the target endgame is a triple threat match for the US Title at SummerSlam. I would be absolutely giddy at that idea. I prefer one on one matches, but I don’t want to see any of these guys relegated just yet. Cesaro is the best wrestler, Owens is the most compelling character, and Cena is the biggest name. It’s an unusually exciting confluence of talent.

Derek: Yeah, not to go into broken record mode, since I think we say this every week, but Cena and Owens were one of the show’s highlights. I only wish more time was spent discussing Owens losing his belt in Japan. He went through great lengths to portray the NXT Championship as a cut above the US Championship, and now his belt is gone. Is he going to pretend all of that never happened and try to take Cena’s belt instead, or will he back off and focus his fury on Finn Balor? Neither man appeared on NXT live this week, which was just as disappointing as Brock not showing up last week after getting beat down by the Authority.

Will: That’s a great observation, and the only part of this week’s Owens-centric action that felt off. He paraded that belt up and down for weeks, and now it’s gone with nary a mention? Hm.

Derek: The wild card in all of this is Cesaro. His tag team partner is gone, and may never come back. He’ll get another opportunity to make it on his own, which will hopefully result in some more mic time. Everybody knows Cesaro can wrestle, so if he hopes to benefit from this situation, it needs to be by inserting himself into Owens and Cena’s entertaining banter. He’s in an interesting spot as the middle man between Owens’ loathsome heel behavior and Cena’s super face behavior. We all know he’ll make the matches better. Let’s see if he can make the feud better.

Will: Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar literally ripped the door off of a Cadillac and chucked it like a frisbee into the crowd. Seth Rollins goaded Lesnar to come challenge him and an ax-handle-wielding J&J in the ring. Lesnar approached, then fell back. Paul Heyman wheeled over some sort of emergency fire kit, and Lesnar pulled out two complete axes. After menacing those in the ring for a bit, Brock set his sights on the Caddy and fucking ruined it (and after J&J personalized it with camouflage racing stripes!). He broke a window. He smashed the rear windshield. He caved in the trunk. And then he ripped off a door and flung it off the stage.

brock car door

It was great. Heyman described Lesnar as a god at the top of the show. I’m not sure what religion advocates violence against motor vehicles, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.

Derek: I believe The First Church of Street Fighter advocates such violence.

I was actually a bit concerned while I watched this, because I was fairly certain someone was going to die when Brock launched that door into the audience. Look at this fan footage from that area. On TV, the camera cut away quickly and I was left with the notion that the momentum from the throw would propel it into someone’s face. Luckily for Brock, the door fell apart in midair and slowed down. Enough damage has been done by fireworks this week. A flying car door would have been too much.

Let’s touch on Japan for a bit. Most people who tuned in did so to see Kevin Owens and Finn Balor, and their match was pretty good. I think expectations were impossibly high, especially considering everyone involved must have been severely jet-lagged. The crowd was all-in on Balor, as he made a name for himself in Japan before joining WWE.

Speaking of the crowd, they were delightful. Sometimes they were legitimately enjoyable and sometimes they were ironically enjoyable, but they always managed to deliver. They were responsible for the greatest “this is awesome” chant of all time. They couldn’t say “Kofi” so they chanted “Ko-hee.” The “Suplex City” chant defied description.

Will: I loved the Japanese crowd. I have never watched any Japanese pro wrestling, nor do I totally understand how it took off in the country in the first place, but its audiences have evolved differently than American ones have. That was refreshing, as was the different look to the arena. I thoroughly enjoyed the polite-yet-frantic applause that followed big sequences and near falls. There was a pure enjoyment all night long. Bravo, Tokyo.

And, while we may beat this into the ground every week, Owens’ heel cred is only increasing. “I hate this stupid country and everybody in it,” he yelled, and he tossed the ceremonial flowers aside. He was kayfabe forced to go to Japan! So good.

Derek: As for Lesnar’s match, I didn’t really see the point. I thought they chose Kofi as his opponent because their contrasting styles would make for an awesome match. But no, Brock just squashed him. It was nice to see him again, but I don’t understand why they would put him in a match against someone half his size unless they were going for the most entertaining match possible. If he was going to squash someone, at least it could have been someone bigger, like Big E.

Paige, Tamina, and Nikki Bella had a triple threat match for the Diva’s Championship, which Nikki won clean. Say, if Owens and Balor got flowers and streamers in their match because it was a championship match, how come the Divas didn’t?

streamers

Will: Even in Japan they don’t give Divas a chance. Good grief.

The point about Lesnar’s match is a very fair one. The entire show was billed around him, and he was in and out in the blink of an eye. It wouldn’t have made kayfabe sense for Kofi to give him a competitive match, but it didn’t make a ton of TV sense to travel 14 hours for a five-minute squash. My guess is that they needed Lesnar for this show to attract the casual American audience. Balor’s inclusion drummed up plenty of support in Japan, but Brock made it a fail-safe venture.

It was a welcome change from the tedium of Raw. It had many of the best elements of an NXT show — great crowd, great matches, fresh talent — and the international setting provided extra big-show appeal. Michael Cole and Byron Saxton called a good show, in large part because they actually called matches. We made fun of poor Byron when he was minding the store after Cole got F5’d a while ago, but he works nicely as a color commentator. I got the sense that Vince and Co. weren’t in Cole’s ear as much as usual, and that freed him up to actually enjoy himself.

Derek: I got that sense as well. Nobody was trying to get me to download the WWE app. Nobody was trying to get me to watch Total Divas. The show was exclusively on the Network, so thankfully there were no pleas to sign up for it. It was like a house show that we could watch on TV, so they just called the matches. Not perfect by any means, but it was a throwback performance.

That’s right: vintage announcing.


A Crap Show in the Nation’s Capital: Wrasslin’ Wednesday 7/1/15

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Derek: We’re coming to you live (two days later) from Washington, D.C.! I thought we had a decent shot at an entertaining show since it was in D.C., but that wasn’t the case. When the week’s exposition can be summed up in a sentence or two, it’s generally not good news for the poor bastards who write about it. This will probably be a short one.

you get nothing

Derek: So, uh, let’s see. I guess the biggest news of the week was what didn’t happen, seeing as Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman were nowhere to be found. Last week, the Authority made Lesnar look like just a man as they triple-teamed him into unconsciousness. I, for one, was excited to see how Lesnar’s camp would respond to this insult. But nah. He’s gotta do a show in Japan on Sunday and he needs five days to get over the jet lag. Gotta get mentally ready for that house show match against Kofi Kingston. Brock Lesnar’s character would absolutely make that a priority over getting revenge on Rollins, who took his belt at WrestleMania and got the better of him again last week.

Will: Lesnar’s not being there sucked, but I suppose it’d be asking a lot for a guy who was gone for months to show up two weeks in a row. This was a weird test case of the Reality Era; we saw him get storyline hurt (if not proper injured) last week, but we also knew he was booked in Japan. Suspension of disbelief has always been part of the game, but for some reason this sticks out to me as particularly quirky.

His absence aside, I’m in on what they’re doing with Brock. He’s as unstoppable a force as there is in wrestling today, and it’s near-impossible to come up with a scenario in which he’d lose one-on-one — even in kayfabe. Thus it makes sense for Rollins and Co. to team up on him, even if it was unsatisfying to see him get the Sgt. Pepper’s Authority Hearts Club Band back together. Whenever this pays off (perhaps I’m being too lenient in assuming it will), I think it will be fantastic.

Derek: Speaking of Rollins, he was responsible for one of the show’s two entertaining segments, when he handed out gifts to his cronies in his continuing effort to win them back before his match with Lesnar. A car was given out. Some Apple Watches were given out. And, best of all, Kane got a trip to Hawaii. That ‘s fun to envision. Maybe his girlfriend will break up with him right before he leaves and he’ll end up performing his puppet Dracula musical.

kane hawaii

Will: Kane is great when he suddenly becomes a campy comedic foil. It’s really bizarre that it works between his introduction as a demon and his reinvention as a corporate lackey, yet it does. Kudos to him, and to the whole sequence; the ukeleles were a nice touch, and I enjoyed the idea of J&J getting a single car to share.

My enjoyment was tarnished a little bit by the brazen product placement of it all — Seth was legit reciting the Cadillac’s specs — but I suppose there’s little sense in complaining about it when I’ve already bought the proverbial ticket to watch wrestling.

Derek: Alicia Fox is a Bella now, for some reason. Paige pinned Fox, and apparently the only Diva storyline is the debate on whether Paige has friends. Dark times in the Divas division since AJ left. Meanwhile, there are tons of interesting women in NXT, though I wouldn’t be surprised if they considered moving to the Divas division as a demotion at this point.

Will: Okay good, I didn’t miss anything here? I was baffled by Alicia’s sudden Bella alignment. It seems that they’re pushing the idea that you’re either with the Bellas or you’re with Paige. If only they did it well. Paige ended up getting a solid victory, and the commentary team even gave her some props, but it just wasn’t very compelling. I worry about the ladies of wrasslin’.

Derek: The highlight of the show was, once again, the segment that involved John Cena and Kevin Owens. Owens pretended to accept Cena’s US Open Challenge, but backed out at the last minute in favor of Cesaro. Naturally, they had the match of the evening, which ended with interference from Owens. Cesaro had John Cena locked in a Sharpshooter, but Owens broke it up because he didn’t want anyone else taking Cena’s championship. So that story didn’t even advance, and it was the best one of the evening. It was one of those nights.

Will: I think I would be more likely to watch a one-hour show centered around Owens and Cena than a three-hour show centered around everyone else. They’re just so damn good. Cena seems to be growing more and more empowered by his Open Challenge gimmick; his conversation with the crowd starts the minute he walks onto the stage, and doesn’t stop until he’s out of view. Owens deserves credit for playing up to the level of his competition.

I was alright with the match itself. I liked the setup of Owens coming out only to go “…nah” to further establish his heel cred, and it was a great spot for Cesaro to get some shine. Cesaro and Cena’s match was predictably fantastic, if marred by Owens’ interference. The question now, and the one that will ultimately determine whether or not Cesaro’s inclusion matters, is what they (i.e. WWE) do with him. Will they keep him relevant enough to feud with Owens or Cena once those two finish their program? Will they try to squeeze him in and make this thing a triangle of terror?

Based on the events of Monday’s show, I’m not confident in anything.

Derek: Here’s a segment that WWE publicized throughout the evening:

dolph and lana go public!

And they totally did! How wonderful. Good for them.

Will: Ugh.

Derek: Rusev and his new gal, Summer Rae, decided to interrupt. They said a bunch of stuff, or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. I was trying to figure out a potential WWE couple that would look like they’d have harsher combined alcohol breath than Rusev and Summer Rae. Maybe Luke Harper and Rosa Mendes? God, what a boring episode.

Anyway, it ended with Lana learning what the five fingers said to the face …

SLAP

… which was followed by a good ol’ fashioned cat fight.

cat fight

And thus ended The Ballad of Lana and Summer Rae.

Will: This legitimately hurt to watch. I don’t know if any of the talent involved could have done anything to save it, or if this whole segment was doomed from the start. I’m leaning toward the latter.

Derek: The main event was a tag match pitting Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose against Rollins and Kane. The bad guys won, then spent a few minutes beating up Ambrose and Rollins. After the Authority had their fun, Bray Wyatt decided to join in on the Reigns whippin’. And that brought a merciful end to the proceedings.

I feel like I should say more about the main event, but I just want to put this one behind me. I had to watch it in three separate sittings. This show could have been 45 minutes long.

Will: The match itself didn’t do much for me, though I was encouraged by the development of the Wyatt-Reigns storyline. Wyatt’s promo early in the show alluded to some daddy issues in his past, which I don’t recall hearing about before. Bray spoke of being overlooked and of having another favored over him as a boy. Meanwhile, Reigns has been WWE’s favored son for a while — er, sort of; everyone hated him for a minute there — so there’s a clearer basis for which at least provides reason for Bray to loathe Roman so.

But my god, if the best thing you can pull from a three-hour show is that one feud was sort of legitimized and there was one good match? Yikes.


Authority Song: Wrasslin’ Wednesday 6/24/15

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Derek: We’re coming to you live (two days later) from Indianapolis! Good to be back on Wednesdays. All those Thursdays felt dirty. And I know a thing or two about feeling dirty, because I pre-ordered the PC version of Arkham Knight.

Will: It’s good to be back. My apologies for the tardies and absences. NBA season has finally come to a close, and I’m ready to dive back into wrasslin’. Things got hot and heavy there for a minute, with Elimination Chamber and Money in the Bank back to back, but now we can fall back into the usual one PPV per month routine.

Derek: Yes, things are finally slowing down in the ol’ squared circle, which has been good and bad. It’s nice to not be over-saturated, but we’re in the no man’s land that typically exists three weeks before a lower-tier PPV. But there was one unquestionable victory on Monday night, and that was the return of this man:

heyman return

WWE, Inc.

Yes, I think it’s safe to say that I missed Paul Heyman more than Brock Lesnar. It’s nice to have Brock back, but it really felt like something was missing when Heyman stopped showing up. Welcome back, Paul.

Will: Heyman on the mic should get old, but it never does. His returning from a relatively long hiatus obviously made his work Monday night all the better, but I increasingly feel like he could just talk for 30 minutes straight and I would still be entertained. He’s just so damn good. He owns the room, which is no small feat when those rooms house some 20,000 people. He’s aggressive and lyrical and always wraps up his monologues with tidy little bows. He knows when to downshift and when to stomp on the gas, and I’m never left feeling like I saw anything other than a spectacular performance. Welcome back indeed.

(Also, making a new Suplex City t-shirt for every locale Brock visits is borderline genius. Also borderline genius: You can buy an “Eat. Sleep. Poop. Repeat” dog leash.)

Derek: The running story of the evening was Seth Rollins mending the bridges he scorched with all of his Authority brethren. Each member of the Authority (correctly) pointed out that Rollins was only making nice because of Lesnar’s return. Despite Kane, J&J, Triple H, and Steph all calling him on his BS, they still returned to his side at the end of the evening. The show ended with Rollins, Kane, and Joey Mercury (Jamie Noble broke three ribs moments earlier) assaulting Lesnar in the middle of the ring.

The reunification of The Authority has me less excited for Battleground. Last week, I wondered why we were getting the Lesnar-Rollins match at Battleground instead of SummerSlam. Now that the band is back together, a false finish at Battleground has moved from possibility to probability. I can see it now: Lesnar gives Rollins an F5, one … two … and Kane breaks up the pin! That’s a disqualification! Rollins retains! Then Rollins returns to his childish ways and we get the real match at SummerSlam. Now that that’s settled, we just need to find out who will replace Noble.

My question is what happens to Dean Ambrose? I thought for sure he would run out and help Brock at the end. Getting a chance to attack Rollins is good enough, but the opportunity to be on Brock’s good side? That’s a chance most wouldn’t pass up. I was disappointed he didn’t make an appearance.

Will: Ambrose’s lack of involvement is a concern, but I’m actually on board with the Authority-related events of this week. It isn’t satisfying to see them all back together in the short term, but I’m optimistic that it will make whatever the eventual payoff is that much better. They also needed a way to make Brock look vulnerable, and a combination of the numbers game and working his knee seems to be the chosen path. I would have liked to see something with more resolution, but I’m not mad at WWE for playing the long game.

If Ambrose doesn’t find a way back into the picture, however, my outlook is a bit less sunny.

Derek: Outside the main event, Bray Wyatt continues to taunt Roman Reigns for his “I’m a Little Teapot” commercial. I’m slightly more in on this feud than I was a week ago. Despite its cringeworthy beginning, the feud hasn’t lost me yet because Bray isn’t completely reverting back to the “I hate you because you’re popular” trope he has used for the past year. He just seems pissed off that Roman took his MITB spot. A classic reason for people to wrassle.

Bray’s little anti-Roman shrine was pretty creepy, too. For someone who has fancied himself “The New Face of Fear,” he hasn’t been doing very many scary things. Hopefully he’s starting to make up some ground in that area.

anyone but you

Will: I was all in on this week’s edition of Bray does weird shit. The eerie lighting and targeting of a foe’s daughter brought to mind the old feud between the Undertaker and Vince McMahon, when a then-young-and-naive Stephanie McMahon was caught in the middle. Bray has definitely trended more creepy than scary lately, but it’s worked for me — red capital letters smeared on the wall are a sure thing when it comes to creepiness.

As you say, the nature of their squabble makes sense, or at least enough sense for me to buy it. Based on looks alone, Bray and Roman are natural foils. My concern is that neither has blown me away in the ring, and I don’t imagine them working together all that well. I’m skeptical that we’ll get a payoff commensurate with the build-up. Here’s hoping.

Derek: Looks like John Cena and Kevin Owens are continuing their feud with another match at Battleground. This time, the US Championship is on the line. It’s too bad the NXT Championship isn’t also on the line, because the thought of John Cena as NXT Champion is absolutely delightful.

I’m not sure I can describe this feud in a way that I haven’t already. There’s really no way to do it justice without just directly quoting both of them, and there’s been enough of that. These two should just feud forever, until John Cena becomes NXT Champion and the galaxy implodes.

Will: Their feud is incredible. It’s good for the same reason that good fried chicken is good: They’ve taken a simple premise, and they’ve executed the hell out of it. There’s no convoluted reason for them to fight, no forced pawn caught in the middle. It’s a rivalry that could work in any time or place, from ancient China to the Wild West. 

John Cena — face of the company John Cena — respects Kevin Owens as a wrestler. He said so himself. He entertains the idea that agreeing to a match with Owens may mean going into a fight that he cannot win. Owens made his big league debut less than two months ago, and here he is, earning kudos from the biggest name in the biz. 

But Owens isn’t a man of integrity. He isn’t a man of morals or values. He is not a decent man, and to a man like Cena, a man defined by loyalty and respect (as well as hustle), that qualifies as a personal affront. Pure and simple, they don’t like each other because they perceive themselves to be more different than they are alike. Owens doesn’t care what people think of him; Cena does. Owens will stoop to any low in the pursuit of victory; Cena won’t. Even as they are both experts in their field, they cannot stand each other because of how they got there.

It’s sort of a Joker-Batman thing. Owens isn’t that wild, but he is similarly nihilistic. Beyond his son and dominating the squared circle, there appears to be nothing that he truly cares about or considers important, and that’s dangerous. These two are so damn good. More, please.

Derek: It was a rough week for the tag team division. Tyson Kidd is having the same neck surgery Stone Cold and Edge had, so he’s supposedly gone for 14 months. Erick Rowan also has an arm injury that could keep him out for a while. So Luke Harper and Cesaro, the owners of separate failed singles pushes who were looking to rebound through the tag team division, have lost their partners. Maybe they’ll put them together?!

cesaro owens

Either way, the tag team division is in danger of turning back into garbage. And I know a thing or two about garbage, because I pre-ordered the PC version of Arkham Knight.

Will: You poor S.O.B.

The tag division is in a weird place. Some six months ago, we bemoaned the full-on crapfest that was the Ascension’s debut (although they’re growing on me a little bit, like a slow moving fungus) and were growing tired of the never-ending run of Usos vs. Miz/dow matches. Then Cesaro and Kidd picked up steam and New Day re-invented themselves as legitimately great heels. Add Rowan & Harper and the Prime Time Players to the mix, and it suddenly looked like four-man wrasslin’ was in a great place.

Alas, just like in the NBA or NFL, injuries have submarined much of that momentum. The PTPers have the belt and are reasonably over, even if they’re not 100 percent compelling. New Day is still there, but the thinning roster runs the risk of relying on them too much. What other tag teams are left that you care about? Have we reached the point where we yearn for the Usos or completely talk ourselves into the Ascension just out of necessity? If it looks this bad from where we’re sitting, I can’t imagine how Triple H feels trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

(An aside that I’ve gotta mention: I love how Kofi is billed from “Ghana, West Africa.” I want to be disappointed in WWE for not trusting their fans to know what and where Ghana is, but in this case they’re probably right.)

Derek: The Kane Konundrum continued, as he can’t decide if he’s The Ultimate Jobber or the Big Red Machine. The Kane/Rollins thing has lingered, and lingered, and lingered, and still not gone anywhere. I had hoped he would team up with Ambrose or something, but he always reverts back to the status quo. Please do something with Kane. I don’t like delays. And I know a thing or two about annoying delays, because I pre-ordered the PC version of Arkham Knight in Korea.

Will: It will all be okay, friend. Arkham Knight will get sorted out — if it’s as bad as people say, maybe you’re better off without it for now! — and one day Kane will finally turn on Seth Rollins. We’ll think it long overdue, and the fact that we’ve pined for it so long will make it all the better. In an ideal world, he’ll come out in the old Big Red Machine attire to destroy Rollins mid-match, cue some fireworks, and ride off into the Big Red sunset.